What are the chances that you happen to have a baguette under your arm, when you espy a chap of French heritage doing The Walk Of Shame in Hvar?
Quite high if you’re in Made in Chelsea: Croatia, our favourite “structured reality” series.
Yes, episode 2 finds Ollie Locke brandishing a French stick when he bumps into resident dreamboat, Miles Nazaire, who immediately tries to look embarrassed about being caught in the same clothes as the night before.
“You haven’t been home..?” Ollie’s voice trails off, suggestively.
“Oh I have been home,” Miles responds rather swiftly: “I have been home. I just thought on my country run this morning I’d wear the same shirt because it’s a lovely shirt.”
— Made in Chelsea (@E4Chelsea) August 21, 2018
Unfortunately for no one, the story doesn’t wash with Ollie. For it turns out that Miles may not have washed at all…
Predictably, it takes all of two seconds for Miles to break down and confess his big secret: he and blonde newcomer, Tabitha Willett, spent the night together:
“Honestly, we just kissed…” Miles tells an overexcited Ollie.
To spare Miles’ non-existent blushes they agree to “keep it with us” which is code for keeping it with planet earth…
A punchy start to episode two, but the real drama is revealed over Olivia Bentley and Digby Edgley’s breakfast table, where an astonishing claim is made.
In what seems to be an effort to reinvent Digby from beleaguered looking chap to the life and soul of the party, we are told that he was dancing on the tables the night before.
While chatting about the previous night’s partying, a perhaps slightly shaken Olivia says: “I mean I’ve never seen dancing like it.” Digby, ever the optimist, interprets this as a positive, and is happy to affirm the accusation:
I can move baby, I can move!
Pictures or it didn’t happen, Digby.
However, Olivia and Digby are soon distracted by Ollie who has arrived home and delights in immediately sharing the exploits of Miles and their housemate, Tabitha.
And any shred of resolve Ollie may have had crumbles as he finally delivers the baguette related joke he’s been holding in for hours:
“Not the only french stick she’s getting this morning, I tell you!” he says, brandishing his bread.
The two lovebirds also have Chief Meddler, Jamie Laing, on their side…
Although Laing’s recent decline into Elderly Statesman continues, he is in a more sprightly mood than in episode one, and decides that he and his girlfriend, Ell, will invite both Miles and Tabitha out – forcing the unsuspecting pair into a double date…
However, as the date unfolds, it’s not clear who is dating who, as Laing enthuses about Miles to an already enthused Tabitha:
Look at his hair! His hair is fantastic! Feel how soft his skin is!
The subtext is that Jamie wants Miles and Tabitha together in order to distract the handsome “snake” from his burgeoning flirtship with Ell, but this is laid on with such a heavy handed shovel that we’ve really got to dig for other explanations.
And I strongly suspect that a whirlwind bromance is on the cards.
Other friendships are also blossoming. Liv hosts a dinner party to celebrate her renewed friendship with Sam Thompson.
The usual suspects are out in force, including Sam’s love interest, Sophie ‘Habbs’ Habboo, his best mate Harry Baron, and Harry’s girlfriend, Melissa Tattam.
We know we are in trouble when Olivia announces to the table:
It’s so nice, isn’t it, that everyone’s finally just in a happy sort of place!
Cue much drama…
Harry’s confession of Sam’s cheating Las Vegas has been playing on Melissa’s mind, and seeing him and Habbs acting like love’s young dream would be irritating enough without all that deception.
“..we’re not starting on a bed of lies, are we Sam?” a chilly voice and the most steadfast of gazes from Melissa.
There is no escape for Sam.
Although Harry tries his best…
“I think we should move on from this conversation.” says Harry, demonstrating a level of optimism hitherto unseen, and a strange lack of curiosity in what his girlfriend has to say.
Possibly because everything she’s about to say is precisely what he’s so indiscreetly told her about his best mate Sam.
As the penny finally drops, and Sam realises he’s going to have to come clean, he realises that two can play at that game.
“Screw it. I’m not helping you out anymore,” he tells his floppy-haired friend/foe.
After (very) swiftly confessing to hooking up with someone in Vegas, and a brief apology to Habbs for lying about it, he then proceeds to ask the table where Harry was for one hour:
Where did you go in Vegas with the exact same girlfriend hour?
To be frank, Harry is probably slightly relieved that Sam’s sentence makes no sense whatsoever.
‘Girlfriend hour’ is not a thing.
Unfortunately for Harry, Sam elaborates: “Where was Harry in Vegas for an hour, Melissa?”
“I don’t know,” says Melissa, not unreasonably given she wasn’t in the same country at the time.
“Neither do I,” is Sam’s somewhat unhelpful reply.
Having thrown the wolf amongst the rabbits, Sam lobs Habbs a quick apology, and then tells Harry (also not unreasonably) that he’s a “sh*t friend” before storming out of the dinner party like a wronged victim of a terrible social injustice.
“Did you cheat in Vegas? asks a curious Olivia, who has perhaps remembered that, as the hostess of this dinner party, she should really keep the small talk going.
“Absolutely not.” says Harry, managing to convey, disgust, quiet outrage, and gallows humour in his tone. Quite a feat.
Luckily for him Melissa is saying that she doesn’t believe a word Sam’s said.
(Really? Not even the part that he cheated on Habbs? Even for a cheeky chappy like Sam, that’s a rum lie for him to make up. Oh..you mean you don’t believe the bit where Sam says Harry was being inappropriate…)
The camera then wistfully pans to Olivia’s face, perhaps expecting her to press ahead with her hostess duties, but Olivia’s a practical soul and has wisely given it all up as a bad job and so there they sit, bitterness and confusion etched upon their chiseled faces, hair blowing prettily in the breeze.
No can deny that MiC is always exquisitely shot. You could lick your television screen, it all looks so good, although I suspect it would taste rather sour.
As one relationship splinters, some never even get off the ground… MiC’s resident charmer, Miles, tells Tabitha that he’d like to “step back” from their fledgling romance….having discussed it with Ell.
It’s not a brilliant explanation and Tabitha does not feel sufficiently enlightened:
“Why would you let someone else dictate your feeling and change your mind?” she asks irritably.
Who can blame her?
First, she had to deal with Miles induced butterflies fluttering in her stomach and, now, a sinking feeling.
Luckily for us there is a little light diversion in the form of uber-posh Victoria and Mark-Francis imbibing the local culture in Stari Grad. (Or getting absolutely trollied on local sherry if you must be vulgar about it.)
“I feel like I’m coming out of my mother again” announces Mark-Francis, alarmingly. Victoria’s vision is getting hazy, but not to worry – Mark is absolutely sure they won’t get hangovers because, well, they’re posh…
We don’t drink the way other people drink…in dingy nightclubs with sticky floors – this is why they get sick the following day!
Meanwhile Sam has come to Jamie for tea and sympathy and gets treated like the entertainment.
His sorry story is that he slept with an American girl (Diana), one night, and then got distracted by another girl, so Harry, feeling sorry for Sam’s first girl being all alone, chatted to her in the bar for an hour on his own before they both rejoined the rest of the boys in another bar.
“Loving it!” says a delighted Jamie, who should perhaps consider investing in a Netflix subscription.
Meanwhile, Melissa has decided to discuss the Diana situation with Harry. It doesn’t go well. Her face is a picture. And the conclusion it’s drawing is that her boyfriend is being sketchy…
— Made in Chelsea (@E4Chelsea) August 27, 2018
“You’re now doubting me when all I’m doing is telling you the truth.”
At this point we discover that a future career as a teacher is a real possibility for Melissa, who sees Harry’s Vegas antics as an opportunity to school him on his use of the English language:
No, I’m not doubting you. I think what you’ve done is really bad. That’s not a doubt. This is fact. You’ve done this. I think it’s disgusting that you’ve had a drink with a girl by yourself.
It’s possible that Harry isn’t having the best summer of his life.
Smelling blood, Jamie also hunts him down to enquire about his situation. And hats off to Harry for a perfectly delivered response to Jamie’s conversation starter:
“I hear there’s trouble in paradise…” says Jamie, AKA Harry’s arch enemy.
“Why…?” Harry pretends to be genuinely concerned. “Are you having some trouble..?”
But although Baron can swerve the mockery of Jamie, his ex-best friend, Sam, is going to have his say:
“You’ve manipulated the sh*t out of her and she believes every word you say and I’m going to do the exact same. I’m going to learn from you!”
And with those terrifying words our Sammy crosses over to the dark side.
Harry, what have you done..?
Will Sam morph into Harry Baron? Does Baron’s wit prove that he’s the next Jimmy Carr? Will Sam therefore become the next, next, Jimmy Carr? Is Melissa what schools up and down the country have been looking for? What on earth is a person supposed to do in Girlfriend Hour?