Are you worried about the cast of Made in Chelsea? You should be.
We have reached episode 5 of Made in Chelsea: Croatia only to discover that our glamorous toffs are exhibiting troubling signs of memory loss…
— Made in Chelsea (@E4Chelsea) September 3, 2018
Episode 4 saw Harry Baron admit to his girlfriend, Melissa Tattam, that he had flirted with blonde newcomer Diana, while in Las Vegas.
The reluctant confession only came after Diana was flown out to Croatia, (courtesy of puppet master, Jamie Laing), and outed him at a dinner party…
As we return to the Croatian island of Hvar just one week later, we are baffled to discover that the cast seems to have entirely forgotten that it is Harry who betrayed Melissa.
And that it is Diana who chose to make the situation public…
For only one episode later, Harry and Melissa are all loved up – and have both welcomed Diana into their collective bosom.
We appear to be floundering around in a world where everyone has forgotten what happened in the previous episode.
Only Jamie Laing and Sophie ‘Habbs’ Habboo seem to have escaped infection by the strange virus sweeping the sloanes.
And they keep reminding their fellow cast members of recent events – but they just stare back at them with cold, blank eyes.
It’s like a horror film…
Habbs and Jamie, as the last remaining humanoids, have moved in together.
Jamie is in the doghouse because he “completely embarrassed” Melissa by flying in Diana. Habbs has also disappointed Melissa because she remains critical of Baron’s behaviour. Humanoid Jamie despairs:
It’s like she’s been poisoned. The real story is what Harry did in Vegas and lied about it.
Unexpectedly, Harry and Melissa have welcomed Diana into the fold.
Harry has even set up a meeting between Diana and Melissa to clear the air… “I hope it’s a good idea. I don’t always tend to have the best ones.” says Harry.
We beg to differ. Harry Baron has played a blinder.
For Harry, Melissa and Diana all share a common enemy: #Awkwardness.
Harry does not want people to dwell on a spot of drunken flirting. Melissa doesn’t want to be unfairly portrayed as a “mug” for staying with the man she loves. And Diana doesn’t want to be labelled a troublemaker and never invited to a dinner party again.
After all, those toffs do throw amazing parties.
“Like none of us want it to be awkward, and there’s no reason for it to be, because you haven’t done anything wrong,” Melissa tells Diana, not untruthfully.
You may have heard the old saying: “An enemy of my enemy is my friend.”
So, by this reasoning, Melissa, Harry and Diana should all be besties.
However, glum Jamie can predict where this is all heading: “and then the issue becomes me and Habbs and everything else is forgotten,”
That’s not to say that Melissa doesn’t have lingering reservations about what Harry has done:
I mean like we’re fine, but it’s not something I can just necessarily forget about instantly.
Luckily for Melissa, Habbs is here to ensure that she never forgets. Unfortunately, it turns out that isn’t exactly what Melissa wants from a friend.
Nor does she wish her friend to call her boyfriend names.
Hence the a*sehole debacle…
Here are Harry Baron and Digby Edgley discussing the a*sehole debacle. Take it away boys…
Harry: “She’s saying that I’m an a*sehole.”
Digby: “She actually called you an a*sehole?”
Harry: “She called me an a*sehole.”
Digby: “That’s really childish.”
Harry: “Am I an a*sehole?”
Digby: “No, mate.” (Pause) “Probably can be an a*sehole, yeah…”
Harry: “I’ve probably done things that have probably been a*sehole worthy. Like, granted, I call myself an arsehole for what’s happened.”
In case you’re not following, Habbs made the strategic error of calling Baron an a*sehole, when in actual fact he simply does things that are a*sehole worthy.
Get it right, Habbs!
And here a little slice of the Harry/Melissa/Habbs drama:
— E4 (@E4Tweets) September 3, 2018
“I don’t want her to be with someone who’s going to lie to her,” says poor old Habbs, who really seems to have Melissa’s best interests at heart.
But it’s not the most comfortable of situations, knowing that your best friend throughly disapproves of your choice of boyfriend. Particularly when the incident happened a good 12 minutes ago and we should all just move on.
And Melissa thinks she knows who is stirring the pot…
“Everyone just bows to…King Jamie,” she says of our favourite jokester.
But our jokester is not exactly feeling jokes: “All the blame has been taken off Harry, which I don’t understand,” grumbles Laing.
It takes the cool objectivity of an outsider to see things clearly:
“I mean her situation with Harry is her situation with Harry. It’s their relationship, this is what I said to Melissa. If you choose to forgive him and move forward and just have it be water under the bridge, then that’s really up to you.” says Diana, who having thrown the cat amongst the pigeons is now shooing away the cat and throwing bread to the pigeons.
As we turn to our sub-plots, we can see that the short-term memory loss has spread throughout the entire group.
For we must charitably conclude that Tabitha Willett forgot that she’s “actually been seeing someone at home.” Unfortunately for Tabitha, Miles is telling everyone in Croatia, that he has just slept with her. Again.
If you’ve ever thought that Miles has been blessed with too much beauty, charm and charisma, don’t worry, vengeance is yours.
For Alex Mytton is delighted to be evening things out with some bad news…
“Why have you got a smile on your face?” wonders Miles with some of the trepidation we all feel when Mytton looks happy.
Alex doesn’t hold back:
She’s got some love back in the UK. Apparently you weren’t number 1. You were just a piece of holiday meat.
Which is precisely what Miles wanted, because, as he said: “…she was full on and that’s kind of one of the reasons why I kind of broke it off with her.”
He felt like the “villain” of the piece, so he should be thrilled that she’s not as obsessed with him as he’d feared…
However, Miles swiftly forgets his sentence of just a few seconds before and becomes the injured party:
“It’s a bit disrespectful, I wouldn’t have done that to her.”
As if that wasn’t enough for you (and it probably wasn’t, to be fair) look who Tabitha’s new love is….it’s none other than Miles’ arch enemy (and former bestie), Sam Prince.
Oh, and he’s just flown out to Croatia to be with Tabitha…
— Made in Chelsea (@E4Chelsea) September 3, 2018
If you remember, Sam is the young pup who in series 15 (yes, that’s the most recent series) cheated on the girl he was seeing – wait for it – five times in the space of a few weeks.
But to be fair, one of the girls he slept with twice so it was really only four girls…
Fortunately, everyone appears to have forgotten about Sam’s transgressions and so who cannot feel for him when merry Miles tells him of his dalliance with Tabitha?
“I don’t understand what you’re playing at,” Sam says to a flustered Tabitha as Miles makes a production of handing her back the earrings she left when she slept with him (Miles’ story) / kissed him (Tabitha’s story).
If Sam doesn’t understand this type of behaviour, then how can any of us?
In another sub-plot that looks set to implode, dark hints about dramatic rows between Digby and Olivia are not boding well.
“We’re just one of those couples that argues I think. Some couples don’t and some couples do,” a sanguine Olivia Bentley tells Ollie Locke.
But Ollie looks unconvinced and his expressive little face is basically a walking weather forecast for future episodes. Expect storm clouds ahead for the troubled couple.
Predictably, the episode ends with a showdown between Habbs, Melissa and Harry, as Habbs valiantly reminds people why we should be wary of Harry:
“I saw you lie to her, in such a calm and collected way, and I’m not going to lie – that freaked me out,” says an emotional Habbs.
“Did Jamie tell you to say that?” says an unemotional Baron.
He also wonders how Habbs is feeling about Sam Thompson…
He’s got a point. We discovered in episode 3 that Sam had slept with Diana in Las Vegas, and then later made out with her in Croatia, all while courting our Habbs.
Baron possibly suspects that Habbs will eventually forgive Sam, as Melissa forgave him – and the inconsistency isn’t lost on him.
Habbs has a clear answer for Harry:
Just to put it out there, if I were to ever go back there which I don’t know whether I am…I would expect all of you guys, as my friends, to be like: he fucked you over, don’t go there.
Except that Sam, wasn’t, you know, in a relationship. So the degree of a*seholeness is mitigated. Somewhat.
The wanderer returns in episode 6, as Thompson and his peerless sister, Louise, fly into Croatia.
Yes, it’s high time the High Priestess of Chelsea came out to Hvar to sort out this mess. She’s seen these sorts of hi jinks before and has lived to tell the tale…
Is King Jamie’s crown studded with Candy Kitten sweets? Does Olivia Bentley give you cheekbone envy? Is Mytton ever going to terrify us with a storyline of his own? What sort of conditioner does Miles use on his lovely locks?