Made in Chelsea: the one where Miles acts like a 22 year old

in Made in Chelsea/MiC Series 16

It’s Made in Chelsea series 16, and episode 6 sees us sneaking into the bathroom of the eloquent Ollie Locke. He’s luxuriating in a bubblebath, while pronouncing extravagant sounding words like a latter-day Oscar Wilde.

Meanwhile, Liv Bentley is diligently writing down his every utterance from the safety of the kitchen.

“…I actually learn a lot from you, the way you speak,” says an appreciative Liv, as she jots down his pearls of wisdom.

“Oh that’s good,” says Ollie, who has now seated himself at the kitchen table. He deftly adds, without so much as a blink: “I’ll teach you how to read later.”

And that’s who Ollie Locke is these days. He is all elegance, dry wit and good grooming.

Such an improvement on that long-haired faddish chap of earlier seasons…

The verbal diarrhoea is all in aid of an upcoming book.

(These Made in Chelsea toffs always have a book coming out.)

And in asking Liv to shoot the cover of his book, Ollie has yet another of his characteristically terrible ideas.

Since Liv is shooting the cover of his book, why doesn’t she also shoot some engagement photos for arch enemy Ryan Libbey and his fiancé, Louise Thompson?

It’s worth stating that for someone who is clearly intelligent and articulate, Ollie has an appalling track record when it comes to ideas.

He is the chap responsible for all of the below follies:

  • A “Me Party” where the host, (Liv) exhibits naked photos of themselves and asks friends to come round to stare at them.
  • The opening and closing of Liv’s chakras (does anything more need to be said?)
  • Liv having a heart-to-heart with an irrate Ryan, only serving to further inflame their enmity.

And now we have this humdinger.

Because it isn’t challenging enough to look relaxed and natural at a staged photoshoot, what you really want is your arch enemy glowering at you from behind the camera…

One wonders if Ollie ever takes his own advice?

Nope, he’s far too intelligent to do that.

Liv is amenable to the idea, and so Louise, who has innocently stopped by to say hello, is now in quite a quandary.

She wears a curious expression on her face, but being well brought up there is really only one response:

“I don’t think it’s the worst idea in the world,” she says, which is the politest way you can tell someone that their idea stinks, without it getting up their nostrils.

Liv sees it as a “peace offering” but if this can be considered a gift it is definitely the kind where she should keep the receipt.

Just in case.

After Ollie’s civilised and sophisticated abode, we’re treated to a peek into Habbs, Miles and Emily’s flatshare.

A rumpled and slightly worse for wear Miles Nazire is lounging in his pyjamas in a rumpled and slightly worse for wear living room, while his mate, James Taylor (we barely remember him either) is in the shower.

Sophie ‘Habbs’ Habboo is looking like a glamorous stranger, uncomfortable in her own home. But Miles assures her “we’ll clean later.”

This is very skilful of Miles as he doesn’t specify who “we” is.

Particularly as we can all guess that “we” will be his female flatmates, Habbs and Emily.

James and Miles are too busy revelling in the fact that they spent the night enjoying the company of a “horde” of girls.

Habbs already knew this though.

She heard it all.

The whole night through.

When she was trying to sleep…

Miles is baffled by her annoyance “You should have joined in!” he exclaims magnanimously.

He is less generous about Harry Baron though, and begins an entirely unprompted bitching session.

(If we didn’t know better, we’d think it was scripted.)

“I mean he’s 28 years old,” announces Miles “and I feel like he’s just got nothing going for him. He just follows his little girlfriend around, driving Melissa’s car and they do everything together, which I find quite pathetic.”

Of course, bitching about Harry Baron is not exactly an unusual pastime for the Made in Chelsea crew.

And although an unimpressed Habbs reports the catty comments back to Harry and girlfriend Melissa Tattam, Habbs herself has got previous when it comes to critiquing the Baron…

Yes, not long ago, in Made in Chelsea: Croatia Habbs was calling Harry an a*sehole to anyone who would listen.

(She had her reasons.)

Meanwhile, for reasons unknown to anyone, Jamie Laing has invited Tristan Phipps to a clay pigeon shooting session with the bros.

Reasons unknown to anyone who hasn’t watched previous episodes that is, and is therefore unaware of Jamie’s capacity for stirring.

(The fact that he and Francis Boulle host a Private Parts podcast rather than using his incredible stirring skills to forge careers as  chefs, or perhaps branch into cement mixing, is an ongoing mystery that really does deserve exploration.)

Tristan, who was rejected by Habbs for Sam Thompson, accepts the clay pigeon shooting offer, and then is keen to talk about Sam and Habbs.

Again.

He tells Jamie that he hopes it works out for the couple, but predictably – like all love rivals – he doesn’t think it will.

 

To be fair to Tristan, Sam’s previous track record of cheating on Habbs, and lying about it, doesn’t lend anyone any confidence.

Including Jamie, who promptly agrees with him.

Tristan, conversely, has been getting great feedback from the MiC cronies:

“He’s a good lad,” says Jamie, who possibly sees the humour in buddying up with Sam’s sworn enemy.

Other tributes that Tristan has garnered during his short time on the show include “a knight in shining armour” and “a good guy.”

In reality, Tristan has said and done very little to suggest that he is either good or bad.

He has gone on two dates with Habbs.

And both of those were double dates.

So, it is scarcely surprising that he’s handled the Habbs / Sam situation calmly, with only a touch of mild, but persistent, reproach in the face of their radiant happiness:

Predictably, Sam’s interpretation of Tristan is less than flattering:

He’s an average bloke who will make an average girl averagely happy.

Although Tristan has certainly shown more decorum than Sam displayed when he crashed his date with Habbs, he still takes the opportunity to needle her about Sam.

He is keen to share the news that Jamie has his doubts about the longevity of hers and Sam’s relationship:

“For him to say that…it was interesting for me,” Tristan says to a rapidly deflating Habbs who is “dying a little inside.”

Yes, Tristan, no doubt it was.

Sam doesn’t seem to think Tristan is quite as nice as he appears: “I bet he loved telling you that.”

“I’m sorry that your friend is saying that,” says a sympathetic Habbs of Jamie, for she seems to have forgotten the events that have led to Jamie forming a poor opinion of their relationship.

“So am I,” says Sam grimly.

Yup, Jamie, you’re in trouble.

And so is Ryan…

For Louise is determined to go ahead with the engagement shoot, with Liv at the helm.

“We should do an engagement shoot,” she tells her fiancé.

“Alright, sounds lovely, let’s do it,” says Ryan, immediately, however it’s almost as though he senses that there is more coming…

“Okay, so Liv offered to take the pictures,” adds Louise, quickly.

“Absolutely not,” says Ryan.

Having gigglingly acknowledged that if the tables were turned, Louise wouldn’t let one of her sworn enemies take engagement photos of them, she is still insistent:

“Liv suggested that she did it, so we can’t now not do it with her because that’s really rude,” she tells a perplexed Ryan.

It’s an interesting way of looking at things.

I’m going to suggest to Louise and Ryan that they gift me £100,000.

And they can’t not do it because that’s really rude.

Liv does, in fact, do the shoot for Ollie’s book cover…

However, it is no surprise when a chic Louise, decked up in a fetching beret, rocks up to the engagement shoot – alone…

Yup, Ryan has held firm and is refusing to join them.

Louise thinks this is “juvenile.”

Liv thinks this is “pathetic.”

However, given Louise readily admits that she tends to “get my own way” can we really blame Ryan for occasionally making a stand?

After all, he’s not being unreasonable:

“If you’d like to get some pictures of me, with another photographer – brilliant,” he tells her later.

Why can’t he understand that Liv is the only photographer currently in existence, and it’s her or nothing?

“…I think the moment’s gone,” says Louise.

Ryan isn’t the only one in trouble. Emily and Habbs are also displeased with messy, muggy Miles:

“He needs to be put in his place. I’m actually at breaking point now,” seethes Emily Blackwell, who does look genuinely wound up.

Habbs and Emily do the only thing you can do when you want to break up with your flatmate – they invite Miles out for afternoon tea.

Often afternoon tea can be a little too sugary. But not to worry – this one is not very sweet.

In reality, Miles is what’s on the menu – the girls have had enough of the mess, the bitching – and there’s more, according to a squeamish Habbs:

The girls is a bit gross, a different girl every night.

“Yeah, who do you think you are?” Emily wants to know.

It’s an odd question, because Miles is single.

(And clearly ready to mingle.)

“I don’t need any judgement on that…” says Miles, defensively.

Habbs sums up: “You need to understand that we all deserve to be happy in our own home and we’re not.”

It’s clear that Miles isn’t having a good episode and that’s before things take a distinct downward turn…

For later that evening, our young lothario bumps into Harry and Melissa when he’s out with James in a club:


(If you ever want to bump into someone in Chelsea, just bitch about them and they will magically appear. I plan to start bitching about Bruno Mars tomorrow.)

The pair have plenty to say to the wide-eyed but not-so-innocent Miles:

“It is quite gross that you’re bringing back people from Instagram that you don’t even know and just shagging them really loudly,” says an unimpressed Melissa.

It can only be imagined by what sort of percentage points Miles’ Instagram follows rose as a result of this revelation.

(Am already following him. Natch.)

Harry Baron then jibes Miles about his potential homelessness.

Which simply prompts Miles and James to go on the attack:

“You live off her, basically,” pipes up James about Harry’s relationship with Melissa.

“What?” says an amazed Harry, “Are you mad?”

“No, I’m not mad. That’s what people say,” says James staunchely.

True or false, this James chap is certainly getting himself some air time.

And things escalate nicely from there…

Harry has five words for Miles:

You’re a beggy little bitch.

Miles then tells him to “f*ck off!” – and Harry doesn’t like his tone.

The three boys then attempt to have a posh fight, with Harry advancing on the pair, and a few pushes being thrown both ways.


It’s all a bit embarrassing.

Perhaps realising this, Harry thinks better of it and storms off, with Melissa in tow.

“Come on!” shouts a brave Miles once Harry has already marched out the door.

However, if Miles and James think they’ve won that particular fight, it only serves to start a new confrontation  – this time with Habbs and Emily who take exception to the fight:

Not that Miles and James seem remotely fussed.

Telling two singletons in their early 20s to “grow up” seems an overly ambitious expectation.

If you can’t be young at 22, exactly when can you be?


Theirs is not the only bad blood spilt in Chelsea lately.

For Jamie has gaily invited Sam and Habbs to an exhibition.

All he forgets to mention is that it’s Tristan’s exhibition of wildlife photography.

There then follows some seriously awkward chat between Tristan and Sam about how Sam should buy his lion painting and hang it above his bed – as a reminder of his enemy.

Sam handles the situation with the immaturity you might not expect of a 26 year old …

Yup, the old pull-your-hand-away handshake trick…

Oh grow up, Sam… ;-p

However, it’s still not as silly as the plot lines for Mark-Francis and his lady in waiting, Victoria Baker-Harber, which grow ever more convoluted with each passing episode.

We are expected to believe that Victoria would turn up at an exhibition with homemade hot sauce and insist that the guests try it…

Jamie is her chosen target and scrunches up his face in what passes for appreciation.


Not only is Jamie’s tongue on fire, but his rogue mouth has got him into some heat with Sam…

There is just no escaping your enemies at this accursed exhibition.

For Jamie comes face to face with Sam on the stairs.

The irate Thompson wants to know why, if Jamie had doubts about his relationship with Habbs lasting, (We all do, mate.) then why didn’t he just tell him or at least not tell Tristan?

But the wide-eyed peroxide blond has “no idea” why Sam and Habbs are disconcerted by his comment.

In fact, in Jamie’s head, the fact that they’ve reacted so strongly to his admission, simply proves that he was right, and that they are “insecure.”

You can watch the blank-faced, innocent-looking Jamie responding to an explosive Thompson here:


As Sam points out, “For once, OK, it’s not me who is f*cking this up. It’s you, and you’re supposed to be my f*cking brother.”

Well, Jamie can’t let Sam have all the fun, can he?

It would hardly be fair.

One person who doesn’t seem to be having any fun at all, is Ryan.

The bodybuilding giant has found himself alone at Tristan’s exhibition, sans Louise who is at lunch with her mother.

Luckily for him, his nemesis, Liv, soon finds him.

She wants to discuss his no-show at the photoshoot.

“I’m quite surprised you didn’t show up yesterday, even for the sake of Louise,” Liv remarks, not unkindly.

We’re not.

Given that you loathe each other.

An uncomfortable looking Ryan explains that it was “A little bit soon…” after their fall out for him to do that.

He looks stressed but Liv seems sincere: “I was trying to offer an olive branch or whatever it is to try and move on from it.”

Ryan seems chastened by her words: “Hearing you explain it now I can appreciate the gesture.”

A flustered Ryan is nice enough to apologise to Liv and a conciliatory Liv is nice enough to accept the apology – for Louise’s sake.


Their glasses clink together a little hollowly though – we’ve never seen Ryan look more uncomfortable.

We’re starting to feel a little sorry for the Ryman.

Who wants to attend an exhibition where only hot sauce and humble pie are on the menu?

Is Miles “nasty” or 22 or is there no difference? Are Louise and Ryan aware of Google as a source to find thousands of photographers? Would the Harry/Miles/James fight have been manlier if handbags had been involved? Are there any females on the planet not now following Miles on Instagram?

Have your say in the comments section below!

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