“Oh shut up about your f*cking journey. You don’t have any journey. You just want to f*ck girls and talk about it!”
Is this bringing back any memories?
In Made in Chelsea: Ibiza, Tiffany Watson delivered the kind of razor-sharp rebuke that only a Watson can.
— Made in Chelsea (@E4Chelsea) August 27, 2018
The unfortunate recipient was Sam Thompson and as we reach episode 4 of Made in Chelsea: Croatia things aren’t looking any sunnier for Sam…
Tiff had a point, but as viewers we really have been on a journey with Sam.
When he first appeared on MiC in 2013, he wasn’t just wet behind the ears, but entirely too wet altogether.
Mocked by his fellow ‘bros’ and sentenced to work as Jamie Laing’s skivvy, we saw Sam doing any number of lamentable things, including writing bad poetry.
Who will ever forget the Shakespearian sonnet, “So Fran, I’m a big fan!”? Not us, and we’ve tried.
But then something strange happened… Sam got confident. Sam got funny. Sam grew muscles. Sam (whisper it) got sexy. Surrounded by cynics, he appeared refreshingly down to earth, fun and…plain old nice.
His appearance on Celebrity Big Brother only fanned the flames; Sam was now – officially – hot.
Unfortunately, fast forward to episode 4 of Made in Chelsea: Croatia and Sam’s journeying is only leading him away from his new love interest, Sophie ‘Habbs’ Habboo…
Episode 3 saw Diana, Sam’s straight talking Las Vegas fling, flying into Hvar, Croatia, at the behest of puppet-master, Laing.
Having shared the lowlights of Harry Baron’s Vegas indiscretions previously, Diana now fills Habbs in on her and Sam’s post-Vegas exploits – which include a date and a make out session…with hers truly!
— E4 (@E4Tweets) August 27, 2018
For Sam “I like Habbs more than I’ve ever liked any other girl, I think,” Thompson, has chosen to behave in a way that can only make Habbs, (as a sane, rational being), assume exactly the opposite.
“I’m looking like an absolute moron,” says a humiliated Habbs. No, Habbs, you’re looking like someone who failed to watch a single episode of MiC before joining the cast.
(Reader Challenge: Can you find an episode of MiC where there is no talk of cheating? Answers in the comments section below!)
Meanwhile, Sam is busy making a bad situation worse.
“I’m not a dick,” Sam tells the disillusioned Habbs.
“I don’t think I’m an arsehole,” he naively mentions to Diana, while admitting he no longer has any romantic interest in her.
I’ve been told that Diana is not even vaguely related to the Watson clan, but she certainly knows how to deliver a pithy response:
“I’m not surprised that you don’t think you’re an asshole,” she says, eyeing him coldly and continues:
Most assholes don’t think they’re assholes, that’s the issue. That’s why they remain assholes and they don’t grow and they don’t evolve and they don’t become more mature.
He says a**ehole, she says a**hole – no wonder they’ve called the whole thing off.
The question of whether or not Sam is an a**hole / a**ehole is one that requires a lot of thought – and luckily for her Sam is going away for a while – which will give Habbs the time and space she needs to think about the topic with the depth it deserves.
The girls aren’t the only ones he has upset though – he has also upset himself: “I am so tired of being…just not happy,” Sam admits to Miles Nazaire in a melancholy moment that even one of Miles’ slapdash bacon butties can’t fix.
Hopefully Sam is heading somewhere better, and we’re not talking geographically.
— Made in Chelsea (@E4Chelsea) September 3, 2018
Harry Baron, however, is swiftly losing ground…
Having urged Diana not to embarrass herself by embarrassing him, it might be said that Harry had fallen from grace had he not already been scrabbling on the floor.
Diana’s revelations that he tried to hold her hand and told her some sweet nothings while in Vegas were believed by all, including the irritatingly coiffed Alex Mytton:
“I did feel a little bit sorry for him,” says the be-quiffed one, “but on the flip side I think that he’s full of sh*t,” he continues, doing a fairly poor job of sounding sympathetic.
“He’s the ultimate politician,” adds Mytton.
It was politician Michael Gove who once said that the “people in this country have had enough of experts.” He was wrong; Mytton has previous when it comes to infidelity and telling porkies about it, and it turns out that his expertise in this area is well worth listening to.
For having indignantly denied his tipsy transgressions in episode 3, Harry now has a slightly different tale to tell…
In that he admits that he completely lied and apologises profusely to exasperated girlfriend, Melissa Tattam:
I have to hold my hands up and I am truly, truly sorry – I probably did say those things.
We’ve never seen Harry so contrite or sincere. We might even feel a little bit sorry for him, now that he’s no longer full of the aforementioned poo.
“What other things are you lying about?” Melissa wonders, not unreasonably.
But any fledgling doubts are soon quelled by a kiss from Baron and you can’t help but note that, already, the faintest of smiles has reappeared upon his face.
The drama now moves Jamie’s way. Indeed, Drama does tend to follow Jamie about like a lovesick puppy – and the romance is scarcely unrequited.
— E4 (@E4Tweets) August 27, 2018
Even jape-loving Olivia Bentley wonders why Jamie would put his friend, Melissa, in such an embarrassing situation..?
Oh and if you thought that it was Baron who did that then, like me, you’re clearly not paying attention…
Harry is keen to tell Jamie what a terrible person he is for inviting Diana to Hvar:
I think what you’ve done, even by your standards, is extremely low.
Jamie looks faintly surprised by the accusation. “What do you mean, my standards?” he responds – which one can only hope is not an admission that he hasn’t got any.
“All I wanted to do is to create a stage for you to show your demise. And it worked. This was my masterpiece,” he adds, matter of factly.
So it turns out that Jamie does indeed have standards – and Master Puppeteer that he is, he has exceeded them.
If Jamie ever leaves Made in Chelsea, we must rise up together and riot in the streets…
Is a quiff more or less irritating than floppy hair? Is “never” the answer to when the cast will stop making fun of Jamie’s hair plugs? Is there a shampoo or conditioner you wouldn’t buy if Melissa and her glossy locks were selling it? Did Sam use permanent pink hair dye last season or was he faking it?